Anata dake Dakishimetai 1

「貴方だけ抱きしめたい」I want to hug only you

Chapter 1

It was too difficult to live in a different world. No one who can understand how you feel. Sometimes no one can accept you.

It was five years ago, I was a college student. I confessed to my one sided love, it was my best friend, but I was rejected. I know that it will be like that. He rejected me and shocked.

"... W-What are you a gay?! It gross!"

I know it will feel him gross if the one who confessed to him is a guy. I regret everything. Because of that I lost him. I treasured him because I love him, but if I didn't confessed to him maybe until now I am still his best friend.

Being a gay is difficult, looking for someone who will accept you. I dated some straight guy but the relation wont last long. We ended up breaking up and I ended up being hurt. It was months ago, I am having a relationship to another guy named Wataru. He is the guy who has a long relationship I have. I ended up being beaten but I still stay by his side. I love him. I cant leave him for some reason.

I want him to cool off his head and I go somewhere else and back in the morning where he leaves for work already.

"... Yukito?" Someone called my name and the voice is familiar to me. When I look at him, it was my best friend Sakurai. I was shocked. I don't know what should I say first.

"What happened to your face?"
"... This.."

I don't want him to see my face like this. He touched my face gently, I was shocked.

"D-Don't touch my face!" I didn't noticed I smack his hand. I saw his face, he is really shocked. He smiled at me but those smile is so lonely and its hurts to see him like that.

"I'm sorry. I know you are still angry at me.."
"... I'm not..

He apologized to me, I apologized too. He didn't asked again what happened to me. I can feel he knew it already. I cant look to him in the eyes. He asked me if I have a time to talk to him. I accepted his offer but I asked him not outside. He smiled at me and asked if its ok if we talk in his apartment. I agreed.

We reached his apartment. I used to be in his apartment before. Its still the same, nothing is changed. He offered me a coffee. It was too silent and all I can hear is the noise of the clock.

"What do you want to talk?" I look at him straight. He hold his coffee and sip a little bit of it. He look at me straight.

"Those bruises.. You got that from your boyfriend, right?"

I was shocked. I knew it that he will asked about it. I just make an excuses. I am trembling and I tell him I just got a fight with someone. But he can tell that I am lying.

"You don't have to lie. I can see it to you that you are lying."

I want to cry. He saw the uglies attitude I have. I noded my head. He still know about me. I am the type of a guy who is trembling when I am lying. I thought he forgot all about me after what happened five years ago.

He look at me in a worried face. He asked me once again if I love my boyfriend. I don't have an idea why he asked it but I replied to him 'Yes' he asked me if my boyfriend love me. I suddenly stop.

"Why do you asked?" I give back him the question.
"If he loves you he wont hurt you.."

I know it even you don't say it. It was my fault that's why Wataru hurt me like this. Sakurai sip the last bit of his coffee.

"... I guess it should be good for you if you broke up with him."

I was shocked when Sakurai said that to me.

"How can you say that?" I just clenched my hands and cant look at his face.
"Because I am worried."

Worried..?

I don't know what face he is making right now. I keep my head bow and keep clenching my hands.

"... I cant break up with him."

He looked at me and asked me why in a high tone. I was surprised because of his voice suddenly changed. I tell him the truth that I love my boyfriend right now. Without noticing I am arguing with Sakurai. I don't know why he is persisting about between my boyfriend.

"You... You don't know how I feel. I know its hurt for me but.. I love Wataru, he is the only guy who accepted being me.."

I saw his face, he does that face expression again like five years ago and I suddenly become calm.

Don't look at me with a face like that...

I feel in regret again when I saw his face like that and remember what happened before.

"Aren't you the one who dumped me? So how can you still say you're worried about me?"

No its not that I want to tell to him..

Why? Why become like this.. I want to forget about him. Why you suddenly show up in front of me.. Why? I ended up being hurt because of you.

Sakurai just become speechless. He look at me smiling but he seems hurt. I was shocked when I saw his face. My chest hurt. I stand up and left him. He didn't said anything until I left. I hurt him..